At the beginning of my pregnancy I wasn't that keen on the thought bf but by the end I was adamant I would. So as soon as baby was here we were off and we both took to it like old pros. However from the 2nd night bubba was attached to me from 10pm till 6am for 3 nights. It was such hard work as I'd still not slept properly so exhausted. This lead to arguments with my fiancé who was so worried about me and that baby wasn't getting enough he wanted to try bottle. I was heartbroken and cried for hours and hours. I felt like a failure and that bubba was being poisoned by formula. This I'm sure was because you have it drilled in to you throughout pregnancy how good bf is for baby etc. Well the formula worked and from then on he bf better as well. It's hard not to put pressure on yourself and I felt guilty for months for giving up. Breast feeding is the hardest job you will ever do. It's demanding and can be very restricting especially if like me you wouldn't do it in public! I also found it very painful, not my nipples, how it helps your womb contract. Obviously this is brilliant for your tummy but I found it more painful than labour. You must do what is right for you and baby not what society says is right. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed BF and that time was so beautiful and I would recommend it to anyone. I would just say go into it with open eyes and take each feed one at a time.
Sweating and Swelling
I did so well during pregnancy gaining less than the average 2 stone and no swelling ankles or aches and pains. Don't get me wrong I couldn't walk very far by the end but I was so pleased how my body coped. After was a different story.
My ankles swelled up so bad I couldn't wear shoes for days or bare to stand up for more than a few minutes. I felt like my legs were going to burst. My boobs were huge and they are big anyway and so very heavy and leaked every night. The sweating was the worst it was disgusting and I felt so very dirty for days. I had to completely change at least 3 times a day and spent most of the time in underwear and a thin dressing gown. Needless to say you really do look like crap. That pregnancy glow dies instantly and you get mummy dullness.
Bleeding
I was lucky enough to get a good hour of skin to skin with bubba immediately after birth (only due to fact it took that long to stitch me up)! After this I obviously wanted to clean up and desperately wanted to wash my hair. So bubba went for daddy cuddles and I got up and whoosh like a blood bath. I was horrified as they'd just mopped up my mess. I couldn't believe the amount of blood I lost and the clots I passed were the size of my hand I honestly thought I was dying. When they say you need about 48 pads for first week they weren't lying!
Relationships
Before bubba arrived me and my beloved would often talk about our fears of what a little person would do to our relationship. We agonised over the fact we knew we'd argue and be ratty and boy were we right. Our would was tipped on its arse and it effected us more than we could possibly imagine. The first few weeks were like perfection in our little family bubble. It was when he returned to work. You can't give each other the same amount of attention as before and the alone time is zero time. It's very hard and anyone who thinks a baby would save a relationship is deluded.
My relationship with my own parents on the other hand is better than ever. My dad is a fabulous grandad and watching him with bubba is breath taking. My mum well what can I say...they live 1 hour 20 mins away and for that first week she came back and forth so much just to support me and sit up all night with me. She comforted me through the tears and reassured me what my instincts told me to do would be right. At the time I just wanted her to tell me what to do but she didn't she guided me through. She's done many a night shift when we've been close to the edge as well. My mum is purely amazing.
Friendships change too. Some friends vanish, old friends try to come back and your real friends understand that you can't talk on the phone at certain points of the day or that you can't do something then as you have other commitments. Most of all they understand if you don't speak to them for a week or two it's because you thought it had only been a day or two. These resemble most of my friends :-) You also make new friends who you share a unique bond with who know exactly how you feel as they feel the same and you help keep each others sanity.
To love a stranger
I was incredibly lucky that as soon as I was given bubba in my arms I instantly loved him. It was overwhelming and sent mine and Daddy's emotions into overdrive for the first few weeks. I remember catching my beloved just staring into the Moses basket with pure love in his eyes and when he saw me watching his response was always 'i made that'! It is so incredible that you can love a stranger instantly and I was so lucky to feel that way.
Some mums find it a little more difficult and don't get that instant maternal feeling which is very normal too. It takes time to develop and slowly creeps up on them over time. These mummy's deserve a medal, as I don't know how I would have got through the first few weeks, when I was ready to crack, if I hadn't fallen even deeper in love every time I loved at bubba. To go through all that and develop your relationship at the same time is heroic and I look up to you in admiration.
I didn't post all this to put you off it's just me and all my mummy friends have had huge shocks to what happens next and I'm sure there's more to come. Bubba is so totally worth everything and my piece of perfection that amazes me everyday.
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